Catching Up: Post-Boards

Thank you. So much. 

What started out as a random bunch of people studying together became so much more. Thank you for being my source of strength, my inspiration, my lifeline for joy and sanity the past few months. The daily grind didn't feel as bad knowing I'd step into the school/plasti/lib/hallways and see you there pouring everything you got into this - it made me want it even more. :) 

I'm scared. I'm so scared - not because I don't believe but because I believe so much. Haha and sometimes God's plan is not necessarily what we had originally planned for ourselves. But I can honestly say now that regardless of results and the chaos that will ensue in a few days time, it already feels like I gained so much in the process of becoming because of all of you. I can't tell you enough how proud I am of each one of you as a witness of how well you fought for this - not just in how well you studied, but in how well you've handled yourself, go beyond your personal let-downs, take care of each other and our beloved PUGAD, and never lost that spirituality or centeredness to why we do what we do. In the hours between 7AM-12MN (for most days at least), I saw what being #one2015 was really about with you - and no exam can take that away from us. :)

If any doubt crosses your mind in the next couple of days, let me be the first to tell you now that you've done what you could and it's time to let Go(d) do His. :) I'll pray for peace and strength for all of us. I'll pray that fear and doubt won't cover the moments leading up to this, and that numbers, percentages or even licenses won't define the doctors we've become and hinder the doctors we dare to dream to be. :) 

I'm going to miss the daily grind. I'm going to miss all of you. Haha The end of the boards season means going back to our individual realities, realizing that the world did not stop spinning without us and that we have so much to catch up on - in taking care of ourselves, in being an Ate, being a daughter, in our relationships, in current affairs, in books (or movies), and whatever else we were into before all this. So before you get busy in the catching up, I just really wanna be able to congratulate you doc - you did amazing! :)

Real Island Life: Seaweed Farmers of Hingotanan Island, Bohol

When my best friend invited me and my sis to accompany them to Bohol for her company's CSR project, I imagined white sandy beaches and chocolate hills. :) i immediately said yes! :) then she specified we were visiting an isolated island in Bohol to give out gifts to their main supplier - Seaweed farmers (their business is Carrageenan). I thought, "why not? Adventure?" :) oh boy was I in for an adventure! :)

We met at 5AM in her house and chartered a big banggka to bring us to Bohol. Still with wine in my system from the night before, coupled with huge waves as there was a tropical depression hitting Cebu at the time, I was barfing my life away for the entire 4hour boat ride! Hahaha when we got there, it was low tide so we had no choice but to wade through the water to their beach.

The water was crystal clear and the sand was immaculately white, colored fishes sweeping by your feet with lots and lots of Starfishes, but a few meters away from the shoreline my face wrinkled when I smelled something familiar (I've been stationed in Payatas for community rotation - and that familiar scent of garbage just can't be mistaken). And true enough, on the shore was piles of trash. :( I wondered where all this trash was coming from, maybe the storms that coincidentally hit Bohol? But our guide informs us, this was normal haul - the sea had brought it in. :(

When we got on the island, immediately little kids with sun-burnt Amber colored hair curiously followed us, tan-skinned mothers would greet us "Maayong Buntag" as we passed through the town to get to my Besty's new warehouse.

Huge jars could be found beside each house, which catches rainwater - their source of drinking water (bottled water cost more than a limb over there). Every flat space/area was filled with drying Guso/Seaweed - their main livelihood. No radio, no TV, (no electricity!) no cellphone, in sight - kids were playing outside, and parents were interacting with one another if not working. My sister whispers "real island life" and my Besty sighs "they probably don't have any stresses here". I smiled and thought of all the posts I've seen with #islandlife and thought people should know what real island life was! :))

Then I wondered "kuya, naa moy doctor diri?" And our guide looked at me as if I had asked an outrageous question "naa! Along igagaw sa Chong Hua" and I was flabbergasted at the idea that the "closest" doctor was 3-4hrs away, by boat! And it suddenly hit me that these were the statistics we are shown in the many health-leadership seminars I've been to, the 60+% of the Philippine population who live and die without ever seeing a doctor. Everyone I knew had at one point been seen/treated by a doctor, so I wondered where that majority was - turns out they were right there. That was 1 island in a country of 7,107(give or take?) so I guess a majority might be just about right.

What the island lacked in commodities, they made up for in natural resources - oh, the food! It was amazing! When we got to the warehouse, I immediately smelled something familiar again! :) this time my face didn't wrinkle but my tummy started to grumble - and there by the beach were 2 of the largest lechons I've ever seen being cooked for our little group. :) the seaweed farmers and their families had prepared a huge boodle feast for us - crabs, shrimps, shells, lechon, tihi-tihi. We dined with them and it was amazing! :) i learned the pigs were actually grown on the island by one of the farmers' wives - she had them prepared for the group. It was amazing to think how well they took care of us with the little that they had when really, it was us who needed them - they were the main suppliers to the national corporation that my Besty runs.

After the feasting, it was time to give out the gifts - simple Shemberg bags with shirts, a few products - but the families were eternally grateful. :) it was amaZing witnessing that. They treated us as if we were the ones who had given them so much, when in a span of a day, they had given us so much more - an eye-opening experience of what real island life was.

Going home, it was another wavy pukefest adventure! Hahaha but it was well worth it. :) Someday I hope to go back to that island, and maybe visit others like it, and maybe give a little bit more of myself away. That doctor situation needs to be looked at. Hmmm...

To Be Home

I'm back! :)

I apologize for that depressing last post, I guess we all have our moments.
Now, I have so much to share -- after a long hiatus from non-essential internet activities. <3

I've finished YL6, I experienced strange things or strange people, I attended a silent retreat (yes, complete silence), I've re-acquainted myself with some friends, my God and I've gathered a whole lot of realizations. But for this post, I simply wanted to share that I'm HOME <3

It was an impromtu decision. :)
But there was much thought put into it.
Many little reasons -- a little bit of running away (a whole different story).

But the biggest reason, was for my family. <3
and to be able to celebrate the Holy Week traditions with them.

My Grandmother.

It's amazing being able to be close to her and attend to her -- from little tummy aches to her pain from her recent operation. Somehow, I know it makes a difference to her that we're home. :)

My Dad.

He was so excited to hear that we were coming home, that he left work to go palengke and buy us our favorites. <3 He prepared aninikad, shrimps and tinolang isda for our welcome dinner.

My Mum

Ofcourse, my mother did what she knew best, help us with studying -- by being our very own barista. She transformed the dining table into our very own starbucks and makes us coffee while we study.

It's good to be home. <3

XOXO,

Joanie

Coping Mechanisms

Most people don’t understand why I started writing a blog. And to tell you honestly, I can’t fully explain it either. At one point its because I wanted to share my thoughts, at another point its because I wanted to contribute to the world in some way, at another point its because I want to talk to future joanie about past joanie’s present experiences. But in general, I realize, it’s just some place to talk. A place where I can pretend to tell someone – anyone who chooses to listen/read what I have to say – thoughts that have been so strong in my head that they just had to be put into writing, to be remembered, to be heard, or to just be.

I’ve never been the quiet kind of person, I like maximizing my experiences and in so doing, I love talking about them with others, but I realized lately that this world that we live in, its always so busy and fast-paced, everyone is always in need of something somewhere, that its hard to find people who will truly listen.

Most of the time, people will hear what they want to hear, or hear what you said but convert it into something else entirely in their heads. And honestly, you can’t blame them for it. That’s exactly how man is supposed to live – through their own understanding, they shouldn’t pretend to be anything else but who they are.

I guess, I don’t really know what I’m saying anymore. It’s just one of those days that you really just need someone to talk to, but because you make no sense, and there’s no time to hassle anyone else with your nonsense, you put it into writing and release it for the big world of the internet to read.

No, I’m not being “emo” (if I even really knew what that means), but I am releasing a few emotions – its healthy, it's a coping mechanism, its not going to hurt anyone. 

If anything, coping mechanisms should bring out the best in you at your worst times.

So again, the world may tear you up, but never lose sight of the blessings all around you.

Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health

1^st place medgroove, 2^nd place medrythmia, 1^st place NIH Research Forum Video, 

1^st place “Katwiran” Interscholastic Medical Debate, 2^nd place “Brainstorm” Inter-Med Quiz Bee.

It's amazing to be affirmed I chose the right school.

XOXO,

Joanie

Right Words

It's crazy stressful the next couple of weeks.

It's our last haul for YL6 (ASMPH's version of 2nd year med).

And all the slacking off, sleeping overtime, not opening my book, etc., is finally catching up with me.

I've been in total isolation -- atleast trying to find the right study groove 
(because I really am a 'learn through group study' kind of person) -- for the past weeks.

And my isolation is in my (technically OUR because i share it with my sis hehe) new condo.

It's making deserves a whole thought-out post.

But just to blow off some stress, and to get myself guilty later (for my patho lab exam tomorrow),

I just wanted to share my love for words. <3

I already mentioned before that I love quotes,

but you don't understand,

I LOVE quotes. haha

It's fascinating what people say.

So with that, we have a wall/divider in the condo that's glass and wood 

-- I've converted it into a quote wall.

I get inspiration, laughs, tears (whut!?), giggles and usually a good conversation out of it.

I ask friends to write whatever they want, or if I read something I put it down myself,
but it's just so fun. :)

 

words of advice - inside jokes

 

life instructions - inspirational quotes

Never lose to stress. Find a way to fight back. :)

XOXO,

Joanie

Vulnerability

So my sister is one of my sources of wisdom, pop culture, headaches and inspiration.

That little bouncing baby girl is so deep, she doesn't even realize it, 

but she looks up to me either way, and I do my best to live a life that's worth emulating.

Anyways, so it's valentine's day. :)

I've always been a fan even if I've never actually celebrated it as part of a couple.

I'm a sucker for holidays, and what they mean,

and what better holiday than one celebrating love. :)

I've always been externally allergic to love-love and sappy romantic love (atleast outward) haha

but I do believe in love.

Not just in romantic love ofcourse, but that deeper love story thats more than the feelings, 

the flowers, the cheesy stuff (which is ALSO just as important)

but i adore love stories that deals with the becoming. <3

I'm afraid im going to stop making sense soon, 

so let me turn you over to someone who knows what she's talking about instead,

this 20-min. TED talk, encapsulates my realizations since christmas,

its scary.

This is everything i wish i could say better and shorter,

but since i can't, I'll keep trying to live it out,

and in the mean time, listen to what she has to say.

*I included some highlights from her transcript*

Here's to working on being comfortable with our vulnerabilities.

Happy Valentines!

XOXO,

Joanie

"I am a storyteller.I'm a qualitative researcher. I collect stories; that's what I do. And maybe stories are just data with a soul. And maybe I'm just a storyteller... 

So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about.

...I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection? The things I can tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough,"... The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it,and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy. 

What do these people have in common? These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, had the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.

The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.

I personally thought it was betrayal. 

So I found a therapist... And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help... It's bad, right?" And she said, "It's neither good nor bad." (Laughter) "It just is what it is." And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."

And it did, and it didn't. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. For me, it was a yearlong street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.

So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability --when we're waiting for the call. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

The problem is -- and I learned this from the research --that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these...You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude,we numb happiness. And then we are miserable,and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up. That's it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame. You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort.We perfect. 

And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. Let me tell you what we think about children. They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade." That's not our job. Our job is to look and say, "You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems I think that we see today. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate -- whether it's a bailout, an oil spill, a recall -- we pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. We just need you to be authentic and real and say, "We're sorry. We'll fix it."

But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen,deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee --and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough.Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.